October 31, 2012

number three...

asher max, soon to be big brother, cheesing for the camera...



most people will think of this baby as baby number 2, and it will be only the second baby i will have the pleasure and gift of holding in my arms... but to me this baby will always be baby number 3. 

baby 1 was a surprise, a gift, a miracle, a dream that i never knew would come true.  and he was real.  i was scared, very scared.  scared of the unknown and the changes to come... but i felt peace.  i felt joy.  and when i first saw his face, and held him in my arms, i felt love like i never knew i was capable of feeling.  and i have continued to feel that love for the last 2 years, everytime i see his face, and every moment when i do not.  he made me want to be the best version of myself.  he made me into who i was always meant to be. 

baby 2 was a surprise, and i felt fear, and anxiety before i felt peace.  baby 2 would come when asher was only 14 months old... i wondered what in the world we were thinking...  but after a couple days, and catching my worries on his shoulder, my husband looked at me and said, "you don't get to be sad about this anymore." and i stopped feeling sad, and starting feeling joy.  i started planning and dreaming and loving.  10 weeks later, i cried when no heartbeat was found.  10 weeks later, matthew held me every night as i cried, and he continued to hold me as i cried for months and months to come.  i never got to hold my baby, i never got to see their face, but i felt that sweet indescribable love.  i felt love, and sorrow, and pain, and hope.  i have hope that someday i will see my baby's face, and know that i will feel that sorrow and pain no more.  

i thought i would never have the strength to try again.  i thought my asher max was the miracle of a lifetime.  but then, at just the wrong time, timing only God could create... there were two pink lines.  i entered with fear and trepidation, every twinge of pain, every lack of symptom, every single little thing brought fear and trembling and freaking out.  i couldn't lose another baby, i dared to imagine myself if i did.  i was cautiously excited, i was cautiously anticipating the best, still fearing the worst.  matthew went with me to my first appointment, because i knew i couldn't take it if there was no heartbeat again... and then there was a heartbeat. a tiny grain of rice baby. and i felt a little easier but the fear was still not gone.  4 weeks later, i watched that ultrasound monitor as tears fell down my face... there was my baby, strong, wiggling, a perfect little bean.  life.  baby number 3.

so, now we can finally rejoice, this new life growing inside of me.  we can cheer and whoop and cry for joy.  we can feel peace and anticipation along with the scary unknown.  and we will pray that baby number 3 continues to grow strong and true. and we will pray, each and every night, that someday soon i will hold this baby in my arms, whispering prayers in their ear to hear.  we will pray for the person God wants them to be, that we will not hinder their way.  and we will thank God for allowing us the gift of being parents once again. 

and every year when our christmas cards go out, people will look at our beautiful family and think how blessed this family of 4 must be... and we will be, because we are.  but when i seal those envelopes and slip them in the mail, i will think how beautiful we are, this family of 5, and how truly blessed we are.



34 comments:

  1. Congratulations!!! We are so happy!

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  2. I'm so thrilled for you - and I'm joining you and all the others who care about your family in prayer. He really is the lifter of our heads. God bless!

    BTW, I'm Susan from Zurich who is always an early bird at QLCS.

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  3. Congratulations to all of you!!! What a gift they all are.

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  4. Beautifully expressed. This brought tears to my eyes. Praising God for your little miracle! And, I believe with my whole heart you will meet baby #2 in heaven someday. A perfect family of 5. Congrats!!!

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  5. Anonymous07:55

    Wishing you the very best! We have six children, with one in Heaven after she died of a brain tumor. You would be surprised how many people will say that we have five children. I will always correct them because Caitlin will ALWAYS count.

    Congratulations!

    Bridget in Minnesota

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  6. Anonymous08:02

    Huge congrats, from a lurker from Miz Boo's blog! What a powerful post, thank you for writing, and I pray your baby grows big and strong!

    Lori from Boston

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  7. Yipppeeeee! Congratulations! I'm soooo excited for you :-)

    And yes, this is baby #3 for you.....those babies that reach heaven before us are always treasured in a mother's heart. We never forget them and look forward to meeting them someday :-)

    Blessings,
    Tammy ~@~

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  8. Congratulations to you all!

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  9. YIPPPPPEEEEEE!!!!!

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  10. Anonymous09:20

    Thanks be to God! We will move you, Matthew, Asher and Baby Three up to the spot for "Those who are pregnant" in our daily prayers. So very happy for you! Love and prayers, jep

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  11. What a beautifully written post, prayers and good wishes heading your way

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  12. Congratulations, Melinda. What joyous news.

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  13. Anonymous11:03

    Congrats! When are you due? So happy for you!

    Rachel in ND

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  14. Congratulations! (I've been reading your MIL's blog for a few years now and just popped over.) I pray your baby continue growing strong and healthy. God bless your family of 5. :)

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  15. MELINDA!!!!!! I just had such a freak out moment. I squealed and told everyone around me how excited I was for you guys! Love you!

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  16. i am so so happy for you all, miss melinda.
    thinking of you and sending you lots of love and goodness.

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  17. Anonymous14:06

    Congratulations!! What a beautiful post about your *whole* family. :)

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  18. I'm so glad for you! As someone with two babies waiting for me to finally meet them again in Heaven someday, I totally get the 3rd baby idea.

    Your mom-in-law is my friend. I am so happy to know her and as an extension, I'm happy to have a peek into your lives. Sending you lots of prayers and hope!

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  19. Yippee!! Beautiful post

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  20. Anonymous21:24

    Simply the best news ever! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

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  21. Cyndi K G07:01

    Congratulations from another reader of Miz Booshay's blog! You are blessed!

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  22. Tawny11:35

    I am due in April. You?

    Congratulations sweet Melinda!

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  23. gina11:43

    YAAAAAAAAY!!!

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  24. Melinda,
    I am so happy for you, Matt and Asher Max!!!!! Such a blessing. You are in my prayers for a very uneventful pregnancy!!!!!
    ~Cheryl
    xo

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  25. Anonymous14:14

    Melinda, God's gift to you and your gift to others is your ability to express yourself on a keyboard. I know a grandfather of yours who would be or maybe is so very proud of you. Don't you ever stop giving your readers the opportunity to laugh and cry in the very same instant. Love daddy

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  26. Dear Melinda, I'm so happy for you, Matthew a,d Asher !!! You can't even imagine !!

    I'm really really happy !!

    Congratulations !!

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  27. thank you all so much for the love and prayers and well wishes. they mean more to me than you know, and we are so happy to have others rejoice with us.

    i am due early may.

    also, this baby is dying for a piece of pumpkin cheesecake if anyone is in town and wants to run one over to me :)

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  28. How wonderful. I am so happy for you. Max is the cutest baby in the world! I know this baby will be delightful as well.

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  29. How wonderfully sweet for you and your family, to continue to grow your family! Prayers for a comfortable and peaceful pregnancy with Baby 3.

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  30. I am so very happy for you!

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  31. Congratulations! When are you due?

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  32. Anonymous19:53

    So very very happy for you.

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  33. Anonymous20:00

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. But excited for you about the newest addition to be!! I truly love the way you write. It is truthful and poetic. I love when I find genuine bloggers who aren't out to make themselves seem perfect and just want to share true thoughts and feelings. (By the way I just started reading your blog, I have read Donna's for a while and love how honest she puts herself out there too)

    Amy D

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