this is this, and that is that...

christmas is over, and new years in upon us. this hardly seems possible.

we are having our first party at our new house new years day. whenever i scratch something off the to do list, i add two more.

this makes my husband a little on edge. not me, i am cool as a cucumber. i know what will need to get done, will get done. and what does not get done, wont hinder the fun. our marriage may be in turmoil for the rest of the week... friday, party day all will be well again. this is our life, i'm just keepin it real here folks.


a mixture of my poor christmas planning and about 27.8 feet of snow have kept me away from blog world longer than i ever want to be.

thursday, after cleaning up the wet soggy mess of laundry room, and soaked through basement carpet (we have a leaky faucet attaching the washing machine hose, i am afraid we will have to have the whole faucet replaced, but fear of a giant bill has kept me from calling the plumber... i like to stay in denial... my growing laundry pile will not allow me to continue this ideal denial situation for much longer). anyway, after mopping up the floor, and strategically placing a bucket, we headed to my parents for christmas.

it had been raining and then freezing and then raining and then freezing for the last 30 hours. the snow was already falling, the wind was blowing at about 50 mph. and the 40 mile drive to my parents was treacherous. there was about a 158 "please Jesus..." 76 "why are we driving here again?" a handful of fearful tears and screams, and my husband repeatedly calling our ford ranger "the drift buster" we almost died, i almost wished i was dead, we almost spent christmas by ourselves in a ditch.

we spent the next 3 days snowed in. snowed in, in swedeburg, ne. we lost power for several hours. it was cold and windy and ice and snowy. but it was family, me and matthew, mom and dad, jesse, and my brother form another mother, clarence. we played games, we ate far too much, and i made my first christmas dinner. it was delicious, and not ready until 9 pm. some might call that a disaster... but we had nothing better to do, leaving the house was impossible. we couldn't get out of swedeburg til sunday, and the 40 mile drive took nearly an hour and a half. an hour and a half of closed roads, snow drifts, black ice, cars in the ditch, and great action from "the drift buster"


usually i tell matthew exactly what i want for christmas, sometimes i even buy it for myself. its easier for both of us. he has anxiety about buying gifts for people. this year we are buying a new tv, so we decided not to buy each other gifts. at the last minute i backed out of that agreement and decided he needed one present under the tree. that put matthew on the spot. this year, he had to pick out one little present to stick under the tree for me. and he did a wonderful job. he got me these beauties... he heard me talking about them one day, he actually listened to me when i was talking about books, and shopping, and things i wanted. he got me pride and prejudice, sense and sensibility, jane eyre, and great expectations. i would love the whole collection. it was thoughtful, and loving, and a great gift. he spent far more than i told him to, but it was really the best gift he has ever bought me. and i was so grateful, i am so blessed.

when i was a little girl we had this picture of jesus with little children hanging in our house. it had been there as long as i can remember, and remained there for most of my life. when my parents moved from colorado to nebraska, they threw it away. threw.it.away. right along with our sega genesis, atari, and intellivision. jesse and i were both furious. how could they throw away these things that had been around for our entire childhood. for christmas my parents got jesse and i that same picture we had hung on the wall at the bottom of our stairs our whole life.


Let the Children Come Unto Me
By Richard Hook

and i put it right where it belongs; on the wall, at the bottom of our stairs.

if only they replace our atari and intellivision next year, everything will be right in the world again.

crab box...

my grandma was a little girl a long long long long time ago. don't tell her i said that.

and excuse me while i sidetrack for a moment, but that reminded me of a story that i am feeling i need to tell you. my uncle matt is hilarious, he is also thoughtful, an unbelievable gift giver, one of the best fathers i know, and in my younger years would have inherited me if my parents bit it. but they didn't... but my point was he is hilarious. one time my grandma took us the museum and uncle matt with us. i was probably in junior high or so. after the museum we were wandering in the park between the museum and the zoo. my grandma, always feeling nostalgic, was telling us about how she used to play in these trees when she was a little girl. uncle matt's quick response, "oh, this is where you used to come to pet the dinosaurs." and we all instantly cracked up and ruined her nostalgia. sorry grandma. we are always ruining your moments. end of sidetrack...

my grandma was a little girl a long long long long time ago. she had 2 brothers and 1 sister. one year at christmas time they were all under the weather. with the creeping crud passing between them it became apparent it would be impossible for them to travel to grandmas for christmas. well, her grandma would hear nothing of the sort of them missing all the holiday festivities. she quickly started working, figuring out a way they could celebrate in their own home, alone. she walked around her house and started picking up things she didn't want or didn't need had no purpose for, or had meant to throw away. she wrapped them all up and shipped the box of unwanted gifts to my grandmothers house where 4 kids would be very sad they were missing out on christmas. in the box she included instructions; each child could open one gift at a time, and this gift was not like a usual christmas gift, if you didn't like it, you could crab about it all you want. i don't know if my great great grandma thought the kids deserved some crabbing time, since they were missing out on christmas, or just knew they would crab about the terrible gifts anyhow, so decided to give them permission. either way, the first rules were set. the 4 kids had a wonderful time opening gifts and crabbing about them and laughing and carrying on. and this event has carried on every year since.

we call it the crab box now, and the rules have changed a little, the game has certainly progressed from that first christmas. the entire family takes part now; adults, children, grandparents, great grandparents, toddlers, and everything in between. we don't just wrap things from around the house; we collect clearance shelf goodies all year round. and christmas eve night boxes and boxes and boxes of simply wrapped presents are dumped onto my grandma and grandpas living room floor. at the count of three everyone grabs one present and opens them at the same time. we are all then free to crab and whine about the gift we got, and trade with any body else for their slightly better crab box gift. we crab and crab and try to trade until grandma yells stop, and instructs us to grab again. the only rules are you have to wait for grandmas call to grab a present.

and christmas isn't christmas without the crab box.

christmas isn't christmas without all my aunts and uncles and cousins, and cousin's families now, our numbers reaching 30 or 40, gathered in my grandma and grandpa's house eating bacon wrapped water chestnuts, spinach dip, black bean and corn salsa, pinwheels, 7 layer bean dip, cheese and sausage and crackers, barbecue little smokies, and tons of other snack foods. we eat and eat until we eat can more, and laugh and laugh, and pee our pants a little. all waiting for grandma to say "okay... it's time for the crab box."

by that time, little kids are starting to nod off, but are suddenly zapped with a dose of energy and excitement. all 20 or 30 or 40 of us circle up in the living room, moving all the furniture to the outer edge. and the boxes are brought in one by one and dumped into a never ending heap in the middle of the floor. we all ooh and ahh and mention how we must have more this year than ever before. garbage bags in tow, to store our loot, and excitement growing every second... we wait for grandma to tell the story of the very first crab box. we wait for that first signal, the signal that says, now, this moment, is the start of every body's favorite christmas tradition. and we grab our gifts feverishly searching for the dollars wrapped around pencils, or stuffed in old medicine bottles. we search for the dvd that will make everyone else jealous, or that t shirt you know you can use for a good bargain. and cursed be the poor soul who gets that darn gold and pearl pin that has been in the crab box every year for 20 years. heaven forbid you be the one who opens the size 72 pair of boxers, or the pill bottle that has no dollar in inside. and as everyone throws their wrapping garbage at grandpa, who inevitably got stuck collecting trash again this year, the chaos ensues. everybody wants to trade, and uncle david will be yelling some nonsense about making copies, or the butt family. my dad, always the salesman, is doing his best to make his pink woven change purse look like a family heirloom. kevin undoubtedly has pocketed his dollar bill and thrown his unwrapped pencil back in the pile for anyone else to take if they please, and april and jennifer and i are all trying to get grandpa to trade for that cozy knit pair of socks. my mom is trading whatever sweet toy a child will like for some hideous ceramic figurine just so they can get what they want in the crab box this year. the two people who opened books are trying to trade with me, because apparently nerds who like to read like to read anything with a spine and pages inbetween. aunt kimberly and aunt stacy can not get a word in edgewise, they quietly sit and watch everyone else bicker and crab and sell. soon the 30 individual voices combine to make a noise that is unbearable, no one can hear any words but their own anymore. this is when grandma screams above them all... "okay. get ready. 1.2.3. go." and for a few moments all you can hear is shuffling and tearing and crumpling. and then it all starts again. this continues for about 30 rounds until your garbage bags are filling, your ears are ringing, you are sweating, and flushed, and dying of thirst, and you think you can not endure another round. when grandma declares the crab box as finished, everyone sets off to change into their pajamas for the night, and admire their loot.

all the kids set off to the basement where they will stay awake for hours, until the morning has almost come. laughing, and crying, and talking, and dreaming, and wrestling, and playing truth or dare. they adults upstairs will do the same, until they can take no more and must get some shut eye. after all, they have to wake up in the morning and make tea rings, and bacon and eggs and sausage and coffee, lots and lots of coffee. and they have to do it before they kids wake up, because when they do, there will be little time to pry their hands of the stacks of presents under the tree, and subdue them with simply filled stockings and food.

and christmas just isn't christmas without the crab box, without my family, and without these sweet memories.

i am not home in colorado with all my family for the crab box anymore, we chose to make our life in omaha. and every year it breaks my heart, and i imagine myself in that room with all my cousins and family a hundred times christmas eve night. we have our own crab box here, but it just isn't the same without all my family surrounding me. know, dear family, i love you. know i miss you, and i will wish a hundred times we were there with you. you are my christmas. these memories keep it real.


what christmas tradition can you not live without? what christmas tradition sets your year in motion? leaves you waiting anxiously for next year? please share... i would love to know.

alone time...

my whole life i dreamed of being married. in love. as one.

when i was alone, i wished so much for a companion, a best friend, a lover. i wanted to find that person. that one person who was meant just for me.

and i found that person. i love him every day. i don't deserve him, and i don't know why he puts up with me. he is steady and sure. he is faithful and trusting. he is hardworking and honest. he is everything i am not.

he made my dream come true.

and now i simply wish for alone time.

i like being alone. and the thing about being married is, i am hardly ever alone. i dont cook alone, i dont watch tv alone, i dont sleep alone, heck i dont even pee alone. sometimes i wonder if he is omni present. he is there when i wake up, and when i get dressed, he is there when i leave for work, he is there when i come home, he is there while i make dinner, he is there while i blog, he is there when i watch tv, and he is there when i fall asleep. and i miss being alone.

when i am alone, i can soak in the tub and relax and reflect and dream in peace. when i am alone i can clean all i want, butt waving in the air, pants falling off so i can reach that dirty spot in the corner behind the couch. when i am alone i can write, i can get lost in my thoughts, i can eat tuna for every meal and not hear gagging and whining sounds. when i am alone, i can breathe. i can be me.

i always treasured my alone time. since i was a little girl. sometimes i would just have to escape people. escape the party, escape the rousing game of barbies, escape the noise and the light and the chaos.

i would quietly slip away to my room and close the door, and read or write or listen to music. i would play quietly by myself, or lay down and day dream. i just needed to be by myself. to set things right, to see clearly, to breathe.

i perfected the art of being alone as i grew. when my family would leave, i would lock the doors, light candles, turn on my music, grab a book and head for the tub. there i would soak until the water was chilly and my head was clear. i could then go into my room, put on my warmest and coziest sweats, wrap up in a blanket, and read and write and dream. and there i would stay until my family beckoned me out of my room and into normal life. normal life including interaction with normal people(if you can consider my family normal, it's up for debate).

some days i chose not to go to the mall with friends, a sleep over was not always on the top of my priority list. some days i just needed to be by myself. i preferred living alone to having a roommate(i didn't make a good roommate anyhow).

and somewhere in time, i thought to myself there was a possibility i would never find my one and only, i realized there was a chance i could be alone forever. and i really learned to appreciate having only alone time. i had began to warm to the idea of not just being alone, but being lonely. it wouldn't be so bad. i would have nothing but time for myself.

and that is when matthew came. and he quickly took all of my time, and i didn't want to be alone, i wanted to be with him always. but i still lived by myself, i still had plenty of time by myself everyday. there were times where i could think and breathe and make sense of life. mostly i thought about how i wanted matthew to be my side, how i never wanted him to leave. and we fell madly in love, and we got married...

... and now i am never alone. i miss my alone time. i miss cleaning and writing and reading and thinking and dreaming in peace. sometimes i wish i had a whole week to myself. just me, a couple bottles of wine, a couple books, a pen and pad, my snuggie, and a bath tub big enough to soak in.

but then i remember all those lonely nights, dreaming of falling in love, dreaming of matthew, dreaming of having someone to hold me, and love, me, cherish me. and when i think of that, no matter how much i miss my alone time, no matter how much i wish i had a moment just for me, i am grateful i have husband who wants to spend time with me, who will hold me and love me and dream with me.

this was my dream. and he made it come true. and i will gladly give my alone time up forever, to keep matthew by my side until we are old and grey.

Old Couple
by Luciano Ferri

when the dog bites...

when the dog bites
when the bee stings
when i'm feeling sad
i simply remember my favorite things
and then i don't feel so bad...

i have got some more favorite things to share. don't you wish i was like oprah and gave away my favorite things? i wish i was oprah and had the resources to give away hundred of my favorite things... but i'm not... so sorry. you will just get to look at pictures and wish i was rich so i could share.


my first favorite thing of the day...

"don't worry i'm not going to get all religious on you, that's my brother stephen." alec baldwin on tonights saturday night live special. the funniest thing i have heard all night, followed by my favorite saturday night live skit ever... but i won't link it. i will spare my grandma, who might read this, and subsequently forget to sleep becuase she is too busy praying for my soul... but boy is it ever hilarious.

bailyes irsh cream milk shakes.


we drove through sonic the other night to buy a hot fudge shake so we could mix it with some baileys. oh.my.goodness. you must try it. if you are into that sort of thing.


moleskine notebooks.






pentel rsvp pens.




anthropologie.





i want to live in anthropologie.


the eiffel tower anything.

i am sorry, but this dress makes me wish i was a size 8 more than any other dress i have ever seen. the eiffel tower makes my heart sing.


pw's steak bites.

pw's flank steak.

pw's anything really. if i have made it, i have had loved it.


uno.



it is my favorite game. it has been since i was little. these cards look a little different than my old school ones. i love to play games.


mexican train.


stephen and holly taught us this game. i could play it every day. and i win. i like to play games that i win.


american girl dolls.





i always wanted one. i never had one. i would still like one actually. i loved molly. she was around the same age as my grandma. and as a nerdy glasses wearer, i liked her nerdy glasses.


brie cheese.



i crave brie cheese. heavenly. i will take it smeared on a fresh french baguette. yuuummmm...


any cheese... i love cheese... it does not love me.


starbucks.



i love everything about starbucks, and wish i could go there everyday.


now, tell me... what are some of your favorite things? what makes your skirt fly up? what makes you glad you were born? i want to know... i might just have a surprise for one lucky person who comments before 11:59 pm december 19, 2009.


and happy friday!

glasses, shopping, toy packaging...

i have a stigma... that i am feeling i need to admit to.

it drives my family and friends and crazy, but i can not break the habit, no matter how hard i try.



i dont finish water. if it tastes funny. and it mostly always tastes funny.

i am like the little girl in signs.



only hopefully i don't have to fight off aliens anytime soon.

but i don't just put down my water if it doesn't taste right, or has a funny smell, or god forbid has a floaty.

i hardly ever finish a glass of anything.

something about the end of a drink gives me the heebies.

i don't know what it is... but i can not make myself drink the end of a glass of anything, save a milkshake or a glass of wine.

it has almost cost me my marriage 24.6 times. it drives matthew crazy. he can not understand how i can be so wasteful. i can not understand what the big deal is. so what i have 10 half full glasses of beverages in the living room, the bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen counter.

on friday at work i quietly stack my coke cans into neat stacks and carefully try to carry them into the kitchen so i can dump them. 5 cans ranging from half full to mostly empty.

i have a problem. i need help. but i don't want help just yet, i like keeping my distance form the end of beverages, the creepy, hairy, dirty, warm, floaty infested, germ ridden, ends of beverages.


i have started and nearly finished my christmas shopping in 2 days. and i never want to shop again. that is all i have to say about that.


have you ever heard this song by sara groves?

this is the only you tube video i could find of this song... so just listen to the song, don't concentrate on the video. uh. yah.



this song makes me giggle...it is smart and witty and funny and cute and brilliant and i like it a lot. i am excited to turn on klove at christmas time because i know i will hear this song. and it just brightens my day a little.

hopefully you like it too... but if not, we can still be friends.

have a blessed thursday folks. the work week is almost over. almost. hold on tight.

yahoo answers

i needed to find the title of a movie. it was driving me nuts. it was driving my mom nuts. it had been driving us nuts for years.

my mom watched the movie as a little girl...

one day when i was younger than i am today. much younger. i was home by myself and turned on amc. like most 10 year old girls do. okay, i may have been one of the rare 10 year old girls who when her parents were gone didn't turn on mtv or vh1. nope not me, i wanted classic movies. i turned on amc. did i ever mention i was kind of a weird child? because i was. freakish. still am. i embrace it. but i turned on amc, and started watching this movie.

my mother walked in at the last scene. she screeched and gasped and dropped her shopping bags. "what are you watching?!?!?!?! what is this?!?!?!? what channel is this is?!?!?!? what is this called?!?!?!? she was screaming and the words were pouring out of her mouth at such a rapid pace they did not really make sense. i just shrugged, trying to understand what i was doing wrong. "i watched this movie when i was little girl, i loved it, i have been looking for it. i can never remember what it is called." but this was before digital guides and tivo. i didn't know what it was called. and i didn't know whay she was freaking out.

for years i have been wondering what the movie was. so when trying to decide on the perfect christmas gift for my mother, i knew what i was going to get her. i was going to get her that movie. now if only i knew what the movie was called. so i decided to use yahoo answers.

here it is. my yahoo answer question.

i kept wondering why it wasn't asking me for my email or anything. turns out my husband was logged in so he could comment on some sports page, so it looks like mattb asked this silly question about an old romance movie he used to watch with his mother. that makes me giggle.

this is the first time i ever used yahoo answers, but what did i have to lose? and i think little miss Marilyn B may have had my answer. and i don't know how she figured it out through my hazy 16 year old memory of the movie. here is what i asked...


"I need to find this old movie, i do not know the title.?

my mom and i have been searching for this movie forever. she watched it when she was young, and we caught it on tv once when i was young...

i think it is from the 50s or 60s. it is about a lady who keeps falling in love with and marrying rich men, and soon after they get married the men die. it goes on and on, man after man, until the end of the movie when she falls in love with a poor man, and what do you know? he doesn't die, and they live happily ever after. there is a scene when she is with one of the rich men and they are in a tub shaped like a champagne glass.

i thought i remembered it being named "a touch of mink"... but any searches for this title brings up "the touch of mink" (cary grant, doris day) and that is not the movie i am looking for."


brilliant. i especially like the period followed by the question mark in my title. hello? unbelievable that i actually graduated high school, i know.

plus, i don't even know if this is even a close description of the movie... i haven't seen it since i was 10.

but lovely miss Marilyn B, somehow figured out what i was looking for.



What a Way to Go!




it has been added to the top movie in my netflix queue, and if i ever remember to put my current dvd's back into the mailbox, i will see if she is right.

if she is, my life's mission will be accomplished. i will have nothing left to live for. but my mom will have a shockingly good christmas gift. it will be worth it, i think.

raindrops on roses...

raindrops and roses and whiskers on kittens
bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
brown paper packages tied up with strings
these are a few of my favorite things

cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
these are a few of my favorite things

girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
silver white winters that melt into spring
these are a few of my favorite things...


and maria and i may not share many of our favorite things... i dont care for birds, so geese don't really make my skirt fly up. and dessert is not my fav, so i can pass on apple strudels.


here are some of my favorite things, as if any of you care... but you're in my world now...


dress forms.

i want one. in my house. stat.


calendars.






they all are different. i have no fewer than 4 in my posession at any given time.


junk food clothing t-shirts.



they have all sorts of shirts, and i want to buy up the whole store. vintage cereal and candy, nfl, nba, mr men, dr suess, star wars, coke, these shirts are my life. i don't even wear t-shirts. but i seriously want them all.


bloom'n soy candles.

the lovely lady that makes these candles goes to my parents church.





i swear, i will never buy another candle. indescribable.


nesting bowls.









i love bowls in general, but there is something about the way they stack.


decanters.







i have loved them since i was a little girl. it is not even because i am a booze hound. i think it started with soap operas. rich people in soap operas always have decanters. they are elegant and beautiful, and they all look different.


luggage. trunks. chests.






i will take one in every room, please.


library card catalogs.



i can not figure out how i can fit one in my house.


globes.



i don't have one. i used to have a blow up beach ball globe. i wonder where that went.


teacher pull down maps.


my mother in law got one. i could stare at it all day long.


and the occasional louis vuitton bag.




hey, a girl can dream, can't she?

snitch a pinch...

i am an avid snow eater. i have been eating snow for as long as i can remember. now, i know some of you just gagged, seriously gagged. and some of you might be so freaked out that you will never come back to this little blog again.

but i am not ashamed. i eat snow. it is delicious. it is one of the few highlights of the ice cold winter.

since i was a little girl i would walk outside under the dim light of winter, with beautiful glowing snow crystals falling from the sky, and i would stick out my tongue as far as it could reach, and i would chase around those falling flakes, trying desperately to catch a few fresh clean flakes.

now i have to be a little more delicate... it isn't exactly proper for a 26 year old girl to go around sticking out her gene simmons-esqu tongue while walking into buildings and down streets. no, now i slyly snitch a pinch off a bush and quickly stick it in my mouth when no one is watching. ahh... yes... snow.


on the first snow of the year my mom would always have a crock pot of chili waiting for us when we got home. and for dessert... what else? snow. my mom would always make snow ice cream. she ate it growing up when it snowed. my grandpa made it, and they all loved it, and we all love it still. yuuuummmmm...

my mother doesn't have a recipe printed out, or written down, or scribble don a napkin. we like to wing it. i never use actual measurements when cooking, or icing as the case my be. because i am lazy, and i don't get them. this is a very frustrating thing about me. if i make a really great dinner one night, we will never be able to eat it the same again. it will taste a little different the next time i make it. my pinches and dashes and this and that make it impossible to duplicate a recipe. but let me try to tell you the magic of snow ice cream. because it is delicious and everyone needs to try it at least once in their life.


so... onto the snow ice cream recipe.

first, you need snow. lots of freshly fallen snow, only the top layer gently taken of and put into a large bowl. (for the love of all that is good and holy, make sure it is clean snow. and fresh. this has the be day 1 snow.)

in a second bowl mix equal parts milk and cream. (approximately 3-4 cups combined?) add to that a dash of pure vanilla extract(not too much, it will taste like vanilla extract, a little boozy tasting. not too little, it will taste like cream). then i use about a 1/2 can of sweetened condensed milk (also known as the sweet nectar of the gods... oh my.), add to that a couple handfulls of sugar. mix well. now i add and pinch and dish and dash until this tastes like a bit of heaven. you want it to be creamy, very sweet, and a little strong. because we are going to dilute this. now, this next ingredient people are going to freak out about. and please... i am begging you. don't freak out. i eat this all the time, and i never get sick. add 3 large whisked eggs to the heavenly cream mixture. whisk whisk whisk. mix well.

slowly start to add large spoonfulls of snow to the cream. mixing in a little bit at a time. keep adding until the consistency is thick, and almost ice cream like. (it will never really ice cream consistency, because snow is just water, it melts quickly. it will be more like runny soft serve) mix it up, cover it, and put it in the freezer for at least an hour so it can set up a little bit.

take out of freezer, mix and mash and twirl and swirl. spoon into small bowls, and eat it up. you will not be disappointed. it is very rich. you do not need a lot. this recipe could easily be enough for 6 people.

i think next time it snows i will try snow margaritas. margarita mix + snow + straw = yum. make it cranberry margarita mix, add a sprig of holly and it is the perfect holiday part drink.


now, go, be a child again. eat some snow.

cold, and ice, and wind, oh my...

winter is upon us in omaha.

i will spend the next 3 months wearing long underwear, and trying to make my 2 year old winter coat fit all the way around my broadening mid section.

i will drive no more than 20 miles an hour in snow, ice, fog, and freezing rain.

and i will pray for the sweet relief of summer days.

and in 6 months when it is 90 degrees with 92% humidity, i will whine a little, but i am will be so grateful it is not another winter in omaha.





my first winter in omaha was 2002, i thought i was going to freeze to death. i came to college with my pea coat and my cute hat and scarf, and i thought i was ready to brave the winter. it kept me warm and toasty in the suburbs of denver. certainly it would keep me warm and toasty in omaha. i know, i know, people tell me all the time "you're form colorado, aren't you used to the cold and snow?" and the answer is no. no no no no no. it snows in denver, yes. and it melts by lunch. and the sun shines and warms your face the following day. it gets cold. but not the biting, windy cold of omaha. not even close. but i didn't know that when i moved here. i came blissfully ignorant to the terrible winters of omaha. i thought i was prepared.

boy, was i ever wrong. by the time november hit, i was calling my mom begging for money to buy a new coat. i felt like i was training to climb mt everest every time i walked across campus to dinner. i braved wind and cold and sleet and snow. i was amply trained to be a mail man that first winter here, weather don't scare me none anymore.

my best friend becky lived next door to me in the dorm. she was the first friend i made at college. nearly every night at dinner time she would walk over to my room, and laugh at me while she helped wrap me up in my new winter coat and thick fleece lined hat scarf and mittens. she grew up in omaha. she was tough. the cold didn't scare her. i think she must have thought i was an idiot. but she helped me anyway.

tiny eyes peeking over my scarf beneath my hood, walking was a near impossibility. she would grab my arm and carefully lead me, whining and crying and whimpering the whole way. i did not think i would survive my first winter in omaha. but partially thanks to becky, i did.

A View of a Snow Covered Bridge in the Woods
Richard Nowitz

as much as i hate the winters of omaha, there is still a little something about the first big snowfall of the year. i hate driving in it, shoveling is the pitts, and cold wet feet are straight from the devil. but the glow of the moon bouncing of the snow is enchanting. and there is that moment in the morning where no one has driven on, or stepped in, or touched the snow. when it is as smooth as glass. sparkly, glittering, fresh clean glass. smooth and flawless, like a dream.

and coming home from work, all i can think is how wonderful it will be to grab a warm bowl of homemade chili, and cuddle with my husband under a blanket, basking in the glow of christmas tree lights. and for just a moment, the cold and the wind and the ice covered streets disappear, it is just warmth and beauty and family and christmas cheer.

even if just for a moment, there is something about that first big snow of the year...

Solitude
David Winston

difficult...

i am difficult. i am beyond difficult.


i am selfish and self centered.

i am domineering and controlling.

i am bossy. really bossy.

my way is always the right way.

i am picky and particular.

i like things the way i like them, and i don't like them any other way.

i am critical and judgmental.

i am hard to please.

i am loud when i shouldn't be, i am loud when i should be, i am loud in nearly everything i do.

i am shy and anti-social to a fault.

i am an air head, i am forgetful, i can't seem to keep things straight.

i am self serving.

i yell, i scream, i don't laugh enough.

i get out of control.

i am rude without trying.

i say things without thinking.

i have a hard time saying things from my heart.


i am difficult. i am hard to love.

if i had to love me, i wouldn't, i couldn't. what it must take to love me, i will never know. i love myself fairly easily. but i have enough sense to realize how hard it must be for someone else to love me.

despite all my faults, i have people in my life who love me. they may be few, but i am so blessed to have them in my life everyday. what my matthew must go through... what he has to put up with... i am surprised i haven't scared him away yet. but somehow, in all my faults, he sees something worth holding on to. he sees the me i want to be.

there are some people in my life who see the me i could be, the me i desire to be, the me i was meant to be. they see the me i am underneath all the layers of crap, and they love me for who i am. they can see through the very worst version of me, to the very best version of me.
and i love them the same.

those are the people i cling to, the people who find me, the people i am drawn to.

the people who can see my intentions behind my erratic behavior, the people who can hear my heart whispering under my harsh words.

and that is just how it is supposed to be.

and i thank you. thank you for loving me. thank you for believing in me.

WINNER!

okay, so it is not precisely 5:oopm central standard time, but i am rarely punctual. and i have a winner... the winner is amanda!

amanda does not have a blog, but if she did, it would be insightful and fun, and you all would want to read it. so amanda... when are you going to start blogging? amanda is in her first year at college, and was one of the yahoos we took with us on our mission trip to mexico in 2008. she is one of the most beautiful people i have ever known, inside and out. she glows the love of Jesus. when i grow up i want to be just like her.

congratulations amanda! WOO HOO! email me or text me or call me and i will send you whichever cd you desire. switchfoot or jj heller... they both are great. watch the youtube video samples you most likely skipped over yesterday, and tell me which one you want.

linkedy do da...

linkedy do da, linkedy yay, my oh my what a wonderful day, plenty of sucnshine headed my way, linkedy do day, linkedy yay, mr bluebird on my shoulder... sorry. i'll stop.

before i forget... i have got to get this out...

there are 3 things i feel the immediate need to link.

1. teri mccarthy. read this first, and than this. (it's a two-parter) and if you still want more... read this. i had the pleasure of meeting teri during my 3 months in romania. she and her husband were directors of sorts over our good friends, and fellow missionary newbies, jon and kacee. she came to visit jon and kacee at the same time my team was really going through a rough patch in our ministry and relationships. she was a light. she made me laugh and laugh, and she made me believe, and she made me feel like i was worth something. she gave me encouragement and faith and the strength i needed to finish the race strong. we all loved her immediately and felt like she must be our guardian angel and soul mate all wrapped into one. i was thinking about teri a little while ago, and google searched her, and i found her blog... and i quickly remembered why i loved her so.

2. 3 peanuts. read this now. i stumbled across this blog, and more specifically this post, and i am not really sure how, or why, or what i was searching that brought me to it. but, oh.my.gosh. go read this story. i read this at work... ahem... i mean at home on my own private time and my own private computer, and i cried and cried. i think my coworkers must have thought i had completely lost it. such a beautiful story about the day she first saw the face of her new baby girl. and you really must read it.

3. this is my friend holly. she also happens to be my cousins wife. i have written about her before. plenty of times. like here. but you need to read this post. she posted it while i was on thanksgiving vacation, and because i was on vacation, i didn't link it. so i will link it now. here. 3 times. holly is not just a very talented writer (really, really, very gifted. the kind of writer i wish i could be.) she is a great friend, and a great wife, and one of the strongest most selfless mothers in the world. and you can read about it in her words, here. thank you for your friendship, holly. see you friday night for our usual board games, wine, and avoiding sports.


and i want to know...

1. what are 3 blogs you read regularly?
2. if you could be an expert blogger on any one topic, what topic would it be?
3. are there any blogs you wish you wrote yourself, or wish you contributed to?
4. link your blog... i want to read it, man.


don't forget to sign up for my giveaway. i will draw a winner at 5pm cst friday.


happy friday folks! lets hear it for friday! woot woot.

i will look for your answers and blog links in the comments.

let down...

driving home tonight my husband said something that has kept my mind moving in circles and squares and cubes and loops since he said it. maybe that is the reason i just dropped and shattered one of my new perfectly pink glass christmas ornament, or maybe not, maybe i am just a klutz.

he said to me, in probably not these exact words, but i will use quotes anyway... "Everyone is going to let you down sometime. It doesn't matter who you put your trust in. Anyone you put on a pedestal will fall someday, and when they do, it will disappoint you. Everyone but Jesus Christ."

and while we started this conversation because of a terribly famous professional athlete who happened to make some poor choices, and is now reaping the consequences of those choices; who i am not going to name, because it is not the point, and i do not want to discuss such terribly professional athlete here, but back to my point... while that is what started this discussion, here i sit still trying to wrap my mind around it. because he is right. my matthew is right. he happens to be right about everything. don't tell him i said that, it will make me lose my edge.

"Everyone is going to let you down sometime. It doesn't matter who you put your trust in. Anyone you put on a pedestal, will fall someday, and when they do, it will disappoint you. Everyone but Jesus Christ."

and i think i will just leave you with that. oh and this...



a giveaway...

because i am on the verge of tears for no good reason.
because hump day is finally over.
because we have hit our slow period at work.
because i just got back from seeing my cousin and her 3 beautiful little girls.
because my husband is still watching basketball.
because i am totally shocked that anyone besides my mom cares to read this little blog.
and because i want to, darn it.

i want to give you this.


Switchfoot
Hello Hurricane

here's a little taste...

and another...



or this...


JJ Heller
Painted Red

heres a little taste of her...

and another...


the winner can choose which cd they would rather have. i love both of them, so you won't hurt my feelings, and they don't know i exist, so you won't hurt their feelings either.

so, if you want to win a free cd. just answer this question in the comments. what are you listening to right now? not as in right now, right this second, i don't care what you can hear in the background. that would be weird, and kind of creepy. but as in, what music are you into right now... i am listening to swichfoot and jj heller, hence the giveaway.

just leave a comment, and i will choose a winner at random, winner chooses which cd they want. pretty simple... i will end this giveaway at 4:00pm cst friday, so you have a little while. i will draw a winner precisely at 5 pm.

tis the season...

watch it. don't just skip over it. watch it. and then keep reading...


after a movie like that, i don't have to say much. not even i, have much to say.

this video hits me at my core. it challenges me, it hurts me, it convicts me, it breaks me.

and honestly, i will watch it and feel convicted, and i will cry, and think how much i suck. and i will turn off the computer, walk out the door, spend money, and get angry, and stress over how to get everyone what they want for christmas.

i am a hypocrite. it is shameful how big of a hypocrite i am.

i am worried about how to find the money to furnish my new house, how to decorate it to perfection for our first christmas in our first home. i am wondering what perfect gifts i can buy my family and friends, how to make them happy, how to make them love my gift, love me the best.

across the world a mother is wondering how far she can stretch the end of her rice, a grandmother prays over her sick grandchild, a father wonders how he can possibly buy a gift for his family. and here i sit, on my couch, in my warm house, watching reality television, wondering what kind of potatoes i should make to go with my rack of lamb for christmas dinner.

who am i? how selfish am i? what is wrong with me?

i have everything in the world, and still i want more, and rarely does it cross my mind how i can help anyone else.

and what is christmas without hope, without love, without joy? and what is christmas? christmas isn't shopping, and presents, and trees, and holly. christmas isn't ornaments, and stockings, and santa, and food. christmas isn't credit card debt, and stretching the budget. it isn't stress, and headaches, and sickness, and loss of sleep.

christmas is the perfect gift. a perfect of gift of love, and life, and forgiveness, and eternity. and i have so much i can give, we all have so much we can give.

this year, i will try not to get sucked into the christmas of the world. i will try to be the christmas of Jesus Christ, of a God who loves me. i will try to be christmas right where i am.

"Don't just say that you want to give, but go ahead and give! You'll never catch up with a mere hope."
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Some people give time, some money, some heir skills and connections, some literally give their life's blood, But everyone has something to give."
Barbara Bush

"I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year."
Charles Dickens

"Great little One! whose all-embracing birth
Lifts Earth to Heaven, stoops Heaven to Earth."
Richard Crashaw

new girl in town...

Sweet Memories
Norman Rockwell


most days it seems like matthew and i have been together forever. it is hard to imagine my life without him. i always remember him being there, it is like he was always there. in everything i have done, and will do; he was, and is, and will be there.

he is my everything and i am his, and it is hard to remember days without each other. but there were days without each other. hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of them.

i wasn't there when he got his new bike for his birthday, and took it for a spin across ice paved roads. i wasn't there when he and his friends ran an extension cord from the house to the pitched tent in the back yard so they could play video games. i wasn't there to see birthday cakes decorated with love from bouchers bakery. i wasnt there during pop warner games, or learning how to read. i wasnt there when he was young. i wasnt there when he was growing up.

i was there for cramming for exams, and car wrecks, and falling in love. i was there for finding a job, and staying up too late on the phone, and buying your first house. but i have only been in matthews life since his first day of college in 2003. he was 18.

Oh, Yeah
Norman Rockwell


there are some people who were in his life everyday before that. some friends have been in his life every day since the first day of first grade. some friends he has shared everything with since they were 5, sharing even a name. and with nearly 20 years of friendship with my matthew, it is no wonder i am still considered the new girl in town.

my few measly years is nothing compared to their 20 years of friendship. i wasn't there when he started first grade, and i didn't ride my bike around town with him everyday. i didn't go to italy with him, and i didn't draw him pictures of packers players for his birthday. and i can't go back in time, i can't make myself be there for all those moments i missed, i wasn't there. i am the new girl in town.

matthew had a life before me that i wasn't a part of, and that is hard to think about it. it's hard to imagine ever not being together, ever not being a part of his life. but i wasn't always his best friend. i wasn't always his melinda, and he wasn't always my matthew.

and you know what? i just realized this. literally yesterday in the car on the way back from wisconsin, i realized this. after 2 1/2 years of marriage, 4 1/2 years of being a couple, and 6 1/2 years of friendship, i realized. he had a life without me, a different life, a life that i changed.

and how strange that must be for his friends that were there before me. how strange for them to see him choose me, to choose omaha, to choose marriage and a simple life. how strange for him to not be there for their parties, for the changes in their own relationships and life. how strange for them to live their days still close, still connected, with matthew so far away.

i get it. i get why i was left on the outside for the last few years, why they didn't even ask when i didn't show up at the door with him, why eye contact and conversation with me seemed painful. hellos were bountiful, hugs always followed, a sore word about me never would have come from their mouths. i knew they didn't hate me, i knew they welcomed me, but with much hesitation. and now it makes sense, because i realized. because i was the one who took him away. i am the one who took their place. because i AM the new girl in town.

matthew is so blessed to have friends who love him so much. friends who love him through anything, through everything. friends who took in the new girl with caution, to make sure she was there because she loved him, to make sure she wasn't going to hurt him. friends who can make make him laugh til he cries, laughing about the past, and the present. friends with whom he can still dream with and plan the future with, friends who i know will be there for another 20 years.

thank you for taking care of matthew before i was in his life. you helped shape him and mold him and make him into the man that i fell in love with. thank you for loving him still, and for loving me too. thank you for being the kind of friend every boy would be lucky to have, and every boy's wife should be grateful is in her life. thank you for letting him go, and thank you for letting me in.

on this, the day of giving thanks...

Thanksgiving Day Blues
Norman Rockwell

For this we give Thanks

by Raymond A. Foss

For this day and for this hour,
for the joys of family, and
time to spend together
for the love we share
this Thanksgiving Day
across the miles,
when we are apart,
and for the closeness
we share in our hearts

Oh grant the world
a bit of peace
this day of rest and
day of grace
May we pause and
think again
of the God that provides,
sustains, and guides us all
and give thanks

today i am thankful for many things...

for a husband who loves me, takes care of me, and provides for me. and who when i come home from a day of shopping empty handed, because the pair of jeans i wanted was too expensive, tells me; "melinda, if you liked them and thought they looked good, then go buy them."

for parents who have loved me every single day, who believed in me, who always thought that i could be anything i wanted to be.

for my brother who used to chase me around the house tormenting me, who today is one of my closest friends.

for my in-laws, who love me, and bless me everyday.

for our home. one of our dreams come true.

for food to eat, a roof over my head, for eyes that see, and ears that ear, and arms and legs that while they don't look like i wished, carry me wherever i go.

for good health, and doctors that know how to treat.

for laughter, and tears, and coffee, and ice cream, and books, and pens, for photographs, and color, and flowers, and willow trees, and fluffy pillows, and kitchenaid mixers. for millions of other tiny, insignificant things.

for the ability to go. to go and serve, and seek and save.

for a God who loved me enough to create me, who desires to be my friend, my father, my life. for His Son who shed His blood for me, so that i may live. for His Spirit who resides in me, who directs me, who intercedes for me.

today i am grateful for many things.




Harvest Memory
Jon McNaughton

driving, weather, clothes...

Peugeot
by Max Ponty

tomorrow matthew and i drive to wisconsin for the holiday.


i love driving on long trips with my matthew.

just us, and the road. our hopes and dreams and fears can spill out freely, we sing at the top of our lungs, and laugh, and talk, and and i sleep. we only fight a little. about turning on your signal to change lanes, and about the am radio.


we always seem to have bad weather when we take long trips. on our honeymoon we drove to san antonio, texas. the trip down was lovely. the trip back was another story. it dumped rain almost the entire 16 hour drive home. kansas and oklahoma were flooded, the exit ramps were invisible under rivers and lakes. last winter we drove to wisconsin 3 times. it was snowing every time. 2 thanksgivings ago, we had to stop 2 1/2 hours from destination to stay in a hotel. we couldn't take the stop and go and the freezing rain anymore.

i am praying for good weather tomorrow. so our fighting stays at a minimum, and our undivided attention with each other can be reveled in.


and i am so happy to be going to spend thanksgiving with matthew's family, with my family. they are the best in laws anyone could hope for... and i am so blessed. i love being with them, i love being home. and it is home, no matter how many hundreds of miles it is from my home... it is home. they are my home.


i am taking with me on this trip, several new pieces of clothing. i was serious about taking care of myself, to make myself feel better. i bought several new clothing items, and it is amazing what a difference jeans and a blousy top can make, against sweats and ragged t-shirts.

girls, listen to me when i tell you. take your sweats off, and put on some cute clothes that make you look good. at least put on a pair of pants without an elastic waist and shirt without a hole in it. put on your heels or your sassy boots, do your hair, and curl your lashes... because you will feel like a completely different person. and you will carry yourself like a new person. and you will change from the outside, in, back out again.

and that's all i have to say about that (in my best forrest gump impression)


i may or may not be around for the next few days, i will blog if i can find the time, but i don't get to spend much time with my sister in law's... so don't hold your breathe (as if anyone is holding their breathe to read my blog, who am i kidding?)

so, if i don't see you before...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! find something to be thankful for this week. there are hundreds of things everywhere.

this is this, and that is that...

"Not everything that is more difficult is more meritorious."
Saint Thomas Aquinas

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."
Nelson Mandela

"Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace."
Author Unknown




Balooning Over Paris
by Isiah and Benjamin Lane

"The whole object of travel is not to set foot on foreign land; it is at last to set foot on one's own country as a foreign land."
G.K. Chesterton

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning."

"Set out from any point. They are all alike. They all lead to a point of departure."
Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin




Bare branches and red maple leaves growing alongside the highway
by Raymond Gehman

"The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself."
Henry Miller

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."
John Muir

"There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
~George Gordon, Lord Byron, Childe Harold's Pilgrimage




Two Girls Reading
by Pierre-Auguste Renoir

"A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face. It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy."
Edward P. Morgan

"I know every book of mine by its smell, and I have but to put my nose between the pages to be reminded of all sorts of things."
George Robert Gissing

"Books let us into their souls and lay open to us the secrets of our own."
William Hazlitt




Young Girl Writing at Her Desk with Birds
by Henriette Browne

"If there's a book you really want to read but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it." Toni Morrison

"There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."
Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt."
Sylvia Plath

have a very blessed thursday ya'll...
peaceful, and joyful, and filled with laughter and love.

with love from omaha...

Girl at the Mirror
Norman Rockwell

"You need not be sorry for her. She was one of the kind that likes to grow up. In the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than the other girls."
— J.M. Barrie (Peter Pan)


when i first knew of my sister in law katie, i was in college and i had not even met my husband matthew yet. i was friends with my brother in law before i met my husband, and patrick would talk often about "the baby", who was just 3 years old at the time. when his mom sent him a picture, he would instant message it to me, so i could see how adorable "the baby" was. he thought i would be shocked that something so adorable could be related to him. and i remember thinking she was one of the most beautiful little girls i ever saw.

the first time i met katie was 5 months after matthew and i started dating. his whole family came for a visit, and katie was 5 years old.

oh, that sweet little girl that came walking in confidently into a foreign apartment. she was wearing the most precious hand knit sweater coat, and her red hair and big eyes would beckon anyone to her. she quietly played around her mothers legs while we chit chatted in awkward first conversations. when i addressed her, she responded with such grace and confidence, far beyond her 5 years. she was very polite and proper, and knowing matthew and patrick for years, i was a little surprised.

we became fast friends that first weekend. i watched her curiously as she confidently ordered her own "kiddie cocktail" from the server at kobe steakhouse. (for those of you not from wisconsin, that is a shirley temple... i don't know why they have a different name for it there.) she watched in awe as the chef made our dinner in front of our eyes. i watched fear flicker in her eyes when the chef made an onion volcano and flames shot into the air. and she sat politely all through dinner and entertained herself while we carried on adult conversation. later that night sitting in patricks apartment eating boucher bakery sugar cookies, katie and emma and i played cards on the floor while the boys talked to their parents. she held my hand as we walked around the old market downtown, and laughed at all her all weekend. when they left i gave katie a great big hug and told her i would see her soon. she looked at me very confused, she didn't know that i was planning on marrying her brother, and she didn't know she would be my sister someday.

katie is 9 now, she will be 10 soon... and i still see her as that little girl scared of the flame at kobe steakhouse. every time donna posts a picture of katie on her blog i am shocked at how old she is, how big she is, how she is not a little girl anymore. and every time i see a picture i cry a little bit, and it breaks my heart.

katie is the baby, and she always will be. the most loved, most beautiful baby, you ever did see. her life is so different from her big brothers and sister, she doesn't have her siblings by her everyday. no matter how much they want to be there, and how much they love her, we just can't be there everyday, for every important event. and it simply breaks my heart.

because we shouldn't be so far away from katie. we should get to see her grow everyday. we should be able to make it to her first communion, her plays, and concerts, school activities, and sporting events. we should get to meet her friends, and be there for her birthday. we should get to be a part of her life everyday. it breaks my heart that we aren't there, and as fast as she is growing up, i know we will miss many more events of her life. when she has her first date, and goes to prom, and gets her drivers license, we won't be there. when she sings at church, and has the lead in the school play, when she gets an A on the big test, we won't be there. when her heart is broken for the first time, we won't be there. when she needs a big brother to protect her, matthew won't be there. we will miss so many events in her life, and we will miss her growing up each day. and i wish so much we could be there everyday... i wish we could be there for her everyday.

but they are in madison, wi. and we are in omaha, ne. and it seems impossible that we could spend every day with her. and it seems just a part of life that we will not be there to see her grow and mature and live.

know, katie grace, that we love you so much, and we miss you everyday. know that we wish we could be there to see you, to see you grow, and play, and learn, and mature, and change. know, that we believe you will become someone incredible, whether we are there or not. know, katie grace, that we pray for you, as often as we miss you. we pray that God will lead you and show you His love, we pray that you will grow in Him. we pray that He will make you into whoever He wants you to be. we pray that He will keep and protect you, and that you will know you are loved and missed by us. we pray that we will get to see you soon, and that your excitement and love for us will not whither as you grow and change. we pray, katie grace, that you will live your life, and love your life, and not forget to share it with us.

we miss you katie, and we are so proud of the young lady you are becoming, and the woman you will someday be.

thank you, for being my sister, and for blessing me everyday.

and katie, try, please try, to get your parents to move to omaha... so we can see you everyday!

confidence in retrospect...

you've seen the girl. i know you've seen the girl walking down the street who doesn't care who is staring at her, or what they are thinking. the girl who wears her form fitting clothes to perfection, no matter the few extra pounds around her waist, or the bulges in her middle. her hair and make up is flawless, accessorized to the max. she is fabulous, and wonderful, and beautiful. she holds her head up high, and smiles and laughs and plays with the people around her. she doesn't care. she doesn't care what the world thinks, she thinks she is beautiful. and because of that, she is. confidence has a way of making even the chubby awkward girl beautiful.

in my previous fat days, before my thinner days, before my now fat days. i was that girl. i felt beautiful, and fun, and happy, and pretty, and maybe even a little... (gasp) sexy, on occasion.

and i loved fashion, and style, and shopping, and make up, and doing my hair. i loved getting dressed up and looking fancy and hott. i liked what i saw when i looked in the mirror, and i carried confidence with me wherever i went.

and the better i felt about myself, the better i looked. and when i felt really good about myself, i chose carrots instead of fries, and a ran an extra mile on the treadmill. and then i felt even better and i would bleach my teeth, and pumice my feet, and moisturize 3 times a day. and i felt ever better about myself. and then pounds started falling off. and i wasn't trying. and then i felt even better, and i would buy cute, form fitting clothes (on the clearance rack of course), and i held my head up high. and i loved myself, and i thought other people loved me, and if they didn't... well that was their loss. and the better i felt the more i would lose, and the more i would lose, the better i would feel...


when i went to europe, i discovered more of myself than i ever imagined i would... and i bettered myself, my faith, my attitude, my heart, myself completely. with every step i felt better, and with every better feeling, a dropped more pounds... and it was easy to love myself.

upon coming back from europe, i suffered from an extreme case of reverse culture shock. i felt wonderful. indescribable. i was a new person inside and out, and i loved myself more than ever... but throwing myself back into normal life was hard. i didn't move from my parents couch for over a month. the outside world was scary. but i survived, and i kept the pounds off, and i kept feeling as fabulous as ever. and i slowly ventured into the real world...

as i ventured into the real world, a weird thing happened. i had to live a normal life again... and i started to lose the me i found in europe to paying bills, and working, and school, and drama, and life. and every day real life was more and more real... until my life was all normal real life, and no europe life. and every day it was hard to come face to face with that. and every day i felt myself drifting into a different person.

and i started to lose my confidence. life got in the way. and as i lost my confidence, the pounds crept back on. and then a little more confidence would shrug off my body, and a few more pounds would creep back on. and i started pulling at my clothes a little more, and who cared if my make up looked flawless. and why would anyone want to see me in that low cut shirt. and then i felt worse. and then i felt ugly, and fat, and horrible, and the worse i felt, the more french fries i would eat, and the more pounds would pack on, and the more i would hide behind sweat pants and baggy sweatshirts. and why would i want to bother with my hair, what does good hair matter on a fat girl, who cares if my smile looks great. and then a few more pounds would creep back on, and i would feel worse. until, i hardly recognized my body in the mirror, and that dull face and old eyes looking back at me, couldn't possibly belong to me.


and i don't know what happend first... the loss of confidence, or the gain of pounds. because it is all one big ugly circular chain reaction. the worse i feel, the worse i treat myself, the worse i look. the worse i look, the worse i treat myself, the worse i feel... ya know?

i almost forgot that the big ugly chain reaction works the same in reverse. the better i feel, the better i treat myself, the better i look. the better i look, the better i treat myself, the better i feel.


so today, i am making a decision. and if i can't start with the feeling good, than i will start with the treating myself good... i will make an effort. i will bleach my teeth, and i will put every speck of make up, and i will buy myself clothes again, no more sweats. and i will love what i see. i will pumice my feet, and i will moisturize all i can, and i will treat my skin with love and care, and the better i treat myself, the better i will feel... and the better i will feel the better i will treat myself... and i will find that confidence again. and i will tell myself i am beautiful, and i will tell myself i am worth it. because i am. and i will find myself again.


nothing is more beautiful than a woman who is confident, who belives in herself, who loves herself. and i want to be that person again.


and soon... i will be that girl again. soon, i will be me again.

blog bloggy mcbloggerson

okay... so i will have a real post coming this evening.

until then...
i have had some complaints about my font and background being hard to read by some. and i don't want to make your lives hard... that is not what i am all about.

so i changed it.

tell me if this is better, or worse, or the same, or if you think i have completely lost my mind. actually, don't tell me if you think i have completely lost my mind, i like to remain in the dark on these issues.

i really really really really wish i knew how to create my own blog templates. but i don't. so, i snag free ones... and i love this one, i would love it more without the pink bows on the side... but again, i don't know how to make my own, so i can live with the bows. if anyone wants to teach me how to create my own templates, i am willing to learn. i think it might take a week of intensive on site training and teaching, i am kind of an idiot on the computer... but i could learn. and i could pay you... in no bake cookies.

which leads me to an interesting discussion... is it no bakes... or unbaked... this debate has been going on for about a century in our family, but a conclusion has yet to be reached. i tend to believe they are no bake cookies, since it is a scientific impossibility to un-bake a cookie. and, yes, the above request to keep your mouth shut if you think i have completely lost my mind is an active request... dark, completely dark, i want to remain in the dark.

happy monday ya'll...

what could have been...

as i little girl i dreamed of being so many things when i grew up...

a doctor, a teacher, a writer, a mom, a wife, a social worker, a school counselor, a therapist, a public speaker, a singer, an actor, even a house cleaner. a lawyer, a secretary, a journalist, a cop, a detective, an artist, a business owner. i dreamed of being a hundred differnt things, at a hundred different times in my life.


and usually i still think of life in terms of "what i want to be when i grow up"


but today i am realizing... i am grown up. this is what i am going to be when i grow up. i am a grown up.

and i keep thinking about what i could have been. about what i should have become. about all the hundreds of things i had the opportunity to be.


and i think of my parents who always told me i could be anything i wanted to be. who gave me every opportunity, and encouraged me to be the best that i could be. and i wonder if i lived up to what they thought i would become.

i wonder if i am who they thought i would be.


and i love my life. i am happy. i have a family who loves me, and a husband who takes care of me, and i have a house, and books to read, and wine to drink, and a couple of friends. i have enough blankets in my closet for a small army, and have i ever told you i have a pink kitchenaid mixer? cause i do, and it is perfection.


but i have no college degree. and i go to a job that gives me a paycheck, but no sense of accomplishment... and sometimes i wonder, what if...

what if i became what i wanted to be. what if instead of waking up at 5:30, i could sleep in a little bit and wake up after the sun comes up? if i could wake up, and eat a hot breakfast, and work out, and shower and put on my sweats. i could write, and nap, and read, and write, and run errands, and meet with important people over the phone or on the internet, and write, and blog, and bake cookies, and clean the house, and make dinner for my husband when he comes home.

what if i went back to school and finished my degree and got a job in a school working with youth everyday. i could wake up and go to work, and feel like i was doing something. feel like i had finished something, like i accomplished something worth while. and in the summers, i could write, and read, and travel, and serve. i could go back to romania, i could rest and relax and recoup. i could serve and act and be.


what if i could have the things i planned and dreamed for as well as the things i did not. what if i could have that job that i always wanted "when i grow up", and have this simple everyday life with the man who loves me even when i don't love myself.

and if i had to choose one or the other, i choose the later. i choose matthew and this life over the unknown, over the dream. because this is real. and this was the biggest part of the dream. being in love, being a family.

but when it comes to my job, it is just so easy to what if...


what if...


so tell me...

1. when you were young, what did you want to be when you "grew up"?
2. what are you, now that you are grown up?
3. do you regret what you have become, or what you have not become?
4. what do you do to fight off a case of the "if only's"?
5. what the heck are you doing this weekend? because it is FRIDAY folks!

a simple sort of life...

several years ago i never would have imagined myself living in omaha, sitting on a ragged couch, in mismatched sweats, watching tv with matthew on a wednesday night.

i had big plans for my life. plans that didn't involve nebraska, discount sweats, or making my own dinner.

it more involved louis vuitton handbags, paris in the spring, and expensive dinners out.

but somewhere in the last 10 years, i changed. i am not who i used to be. my dreams have changed. my life has changed.

i used to dream of city scapes, chandeliers, fine china, and silverware. of 6 inch stilettos, fur jackets, and designer jeans. of traveling around the world staying in 5 star hotels. of fancy dinner parties, and wine collections. and closets full of designer shoes, and designer handbags, and only clothes from the current line.



10 years ago you wouldn't see me anywhere near a gas station bathroom, and you wouldn't even think about asking me to sleep on the floor or in a tent. there is no way i would check my own oil, or change my own tire. no way jose. i was far too good for that sort of thing.

i got my hair done very 6 weeks, and my nails were perfectly manicured. my pedicured feet rarely showed a callous or scratch.

i knew i would live a bigger life than i was living, i knew i was meant for something more.

but something happened somewhere along the line. i changed.



several years later i left on a 6 month mission internship to europe. i can not say that it was this that changed me, but perhaps it was a part of it.

for 6 months i lived on nearly nothing. i did not buy a single piece of clothing, i had no money to spend. every cent i spent was a cent i saved from my grocery budget. i was broke, and i looked ragged. my clothes were worn and faded. i had pooped and vomited in every kind of toilet imaginable, ones i would have never gone close to several years before. and i was happy. i was at peace. i was alive.



i watched the people and lives around me thrive on far less than i. i saw people with nothing. not a single possession to their name. i held and played with babies who did not even have a bed of their own, or a parent to love them everyday. and they were some of the most wonderful people i had ever met in my life. they were happy and content and free. they had nothing, and gave away what they did. they wanted nothing more than to make me family, give me what belonged to them. the love of Christ shone through them, gave them hope through anything. they were happy.

they were much happier than i, and they were complete with far far less.

and somewhere in this time, i adopted a simpler life.

i realized that my life was bigger than what i dreamed, i knew i was meant for something more.

but that something more wasn't trips to paris, or louis vuitton bags, that something more wasn't designer jeans, or fancy dinner parties, it wasn't a penthouse apartment with the shining city lights behind it. that something was so so much more.

and it changed me. i am not who i used to be.



i still would die for a louis vuitton bag, stilettos make my heart go pitty pat, i love to read fashion magazines, and paris is my favorite place on earth.

but i also love nothing more than making dinner for my husband, and sitting on our ragged couches, in mismatched sweats, watching tv, in omaha, on a wednesday night.

i love to be outdoors, matthew helped me kind of like to get dirty, because of him i now love to camp.

i get my hair done when i have the extra money, and my nails haven't been manicured in years. my feet are scratchy, dull, and calloused.

i love to find a good deal, i only buy things on sale. i am more comfortable barefoot than in shoes, and i would die if i didn't get to change into sweats everyday after work.

we live in a modest home, make a modest income, and eat modest meals.

i live a simple life, far more simple than i ever dreamed...

and i am fat and happy. i am as happy as i've ever been.

that fancy shmancy life is still a great dream... but i choose a simple sort of life.

the rut of all ruts...

i am a bad wife.

i mean terrible.

the most desperate housewife in the history of desperate housewives.

i have not made dinner in over 40 days.

we were so busy working in our house that we have been eating frozen pizza and ramen noodles for days.

i am not kidding you.

this is some kind of rut. a serious rut.

we have hardly even bought groceries. i have yet to replenish pantry staples like flour, sugar, and canned veggies. (sorry patrick, next time you visit i vow to have sugar for you coffee)

and my dear husband... he loves me still. i have not been cooking, but he has still had to do the dishes. he has had the seriously short end of the stick in our cooking/cleaning up deal.

and today... today... the rut had to end. if my husband had to eat one more frozen pizza, or one more corn dog, our marriage may have ended.

so i surveyed our bare cabinets and nearly empty freezer, and found something we could eat. actually, i won't steal the credit. matthew found something we could eat. i just made it my own.


hello bagel... how do you do?



both of my parents worked full time growing up. we ate out a lot. or ordered in a lot. when my mom did cook, she made quick and easy meals, and we always had to help. there are only so many quick and easy meals out there, so we had to mix them up.

an easy way to mix up a burger... use a bagel for a bun of course. we call them... wait for this, you will never guess... we call them bagel burgers. original i know.



oh.my.goodness. i just died.

and i wasn't messing around. that is a full half pound, 84/16 no 93/7 like i usually buy. what? weight watchers? diet? i can't hear you over the sizzling butter, beef, fat, grease, and deliciousness on my stove top right now.

medium rare burger, cooked inside on a grill pan.

sauteed sweet yellow onion. be still my heart. i love grilled onions. if i was cooking for myself i would have added some mushrooms. there isn't much i wouldn't do for a good batch of grilled onions and mushrooms.

provolone cheese. i would choose swiss regularly. but, again, the grocery store hasn't been high on my priority list.

philadelphia whipped cream cheese, with a couple dashes of hot sauce.

and obviously, a toasted bagel.



and since i already blew that "eat healthy" crap for the day, why not have an ice cold brew to go with it. and forget that lite beer, tonight it's full calorie, full body, full flavor... one of those heavenly dinner. one of the heavely dinners that tomorrow will have me wishing i just ate the ramen noodles.

there's nothing like watching the biggest loser while eating greasy fattening food and drinking beer. it is my favorite past time.

and now i need to get out of the rut for good. i need to start cooking dinner again. my marriage depends on it. so please... if you have have some easy, simple, quick, delicious, and a lot less fattening than the one i just ate, recipes... please share them. i need them. my marriage needs them.

i kind of like matthew, i'd like to keep him around a little while longer.

like, maybe forever.

home, it's more than where the heart is...

home is a place to go to. a place to belong. a place to be yourself, at rest, at peace. a place where judgements cease, and the desire to be everything succumbs to the desire to be yourself.

home is a place of refuge, a shelter from the outside world. a place where you can scream, or cry, or laugh til you pee, and know you are safe while you do.

home is a place where you can just be. be you. be a wife, a sister, a mother, an aunt. a husband, a brother, a, father, a son, a friend. be a writer, a dreamer, a sports fanatic, a chef. a reader, a doer, a sleeper, an enthusiast of anything.

home is a place you never want to leave, and you constantly desire to come back to.


it has been 40 days since we closed on our very first home

and there is just something about going home after a totally craptacular day at work.

and there is just something about going home to a house that belongs to you.

there is just something about home.

a sense of accomplishment. a peace. a glass of wine and a good book. a really really really long list of things to do. but somehow, that list isn't so daunting when it is your own house, your own home.


it felt like home from that very first night. that very first night with nothing but our suitcases full of clothes, a bag full of bathroom products, and a simple air mattress, it already felt like home.

we weren't concerned with trite things like furniture, light bulbs, food, or toilet paper. no sir. we had 13 gallons of paint, 99c wendys dinner, and the passion of our very first house. we would need every ounce of that passion over the next 40 days. (and far beyond, if we are going to be honest)


for the last 40 days we have been cleaning and painting and stripping and sanding and cleaning and lugging and moving and organizing and cleaning. and this house is slowly becoming a home. our home.

in a small way, we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. i imagined it would take 2 weeks, and our house would look like a pottery barn catalog. go ahead. you can laugh. i am an idiot. i have come to grips with who i am.

i thought it would be flawless and simple... and then i looked around.

then i remembered the dark blue wood work.

then i remembered the 20 foot ceilings.

and the burgundy wood work, and the black wood work, and the dirt.

and i remembered the dark colors. dark colors everywhere.

and then i looked in the basement, and i saw the 1976 original built in the whole length of the wall.

and then i remembered all the doors painted to match the color of the walls in each room.

and then... and then i remembered this room. lord have mercy.

and the original 1976 woodwork.

piece by piece, moment by moment, it is becoming our home.

"Home is a place not only of strong affections, but of entire unreserve, it is life's undress rehearsal, its backroom, its dressing room."

Harriet Beecher Stowe

"Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration."
Charles Dickens

"Peace, that was the other name for home."
Kathleen Norris

"Where we love is home, Home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., Homesick in Heaven

"Every house where love abides
And friendship is a guest,
Is surely home, and home sweet home
For there the heart can rest."
Henry VanDyke

it is not done, by any stretch of imagination, but it is ours.

it is our home where we can live, and learn, and grow, and dream. where we can rest, and relax, and be ourselves.

where we can watch endless amounts of movies and sports, read cuddled up on our old grungy couches, and play dominoes until we want to pass out.

it is our home where we will live for a very, very, very, longtime. maybe forever, we'll just have to wait and see.

"Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without and dread of ridicule." Frederick W Robertson

sunny days, sweeping the clouds away...

sunny days
sweeping the clouds away
on my way to where the air is sweet
can you tell me how to get
how to get to sesame street

come and play
everything's a-okay
family neighbors friends
that's where we meet
can you tell me how to get
how to get to --

sunny days
sweeping the clouds away
on my way to the air is sweet
can you tell me how to get
how to get to sesame street

come and play
everything's a-okay
family neighbors friends
thats where we meet
can you tell me how to get
how to get to sesame street
how to get to sesame street
how to get to sesame street
how to get to sesame street


i can not explain my excitement every day when i open my internet at work to see smiling happy sesame street characters on my google homepage. big birds happy feet, cookie monsters wonky eyes and crumbs flying everywhere, jovial pals bert and ernie; they all bring a smile to my face and put a skip in my step. perhaps sesame street really does conjure the power to sweep away the clouds. in the least, it has the power to sweep away the clouds in my head making this day seem sunny and bright.

yesterday i read this story, and my heart skipped a beat. if possible, i think i love big bird even more after reading this. the same man has played big bird for the last 40 years. 40 years. he was 35 when they started recording. and every day he still hops in that costume and puppeteers that big yellow and orange face to perfection.

sesame street has been on the air for 40 years. and 40 years is a long time. in order to stay on the air for such a length of time it has had to change and grow with the changing world, environment, and entertainment industry. and it has come a long way from little tv show designed to get inner city preschoolers interested in learning. and it has certainly changed a lot from, according to me, it's glory days in the 80's.

cookie monster doesn't smoke a pipe on monsterpiece theater anymore, and he only eats cookies as a "sometimes" snack. don't get me started on that. DO NOT GET ME STARTED. and sesame street is remarkably cleaner than it used to be. oscar the grouch isn't quite as grouchy, and who the heck is this abby cadabby? elmo has taken over, bob and susan have a few more wrinkles, and the shows layout is much different than it used to be.

but the simple, innocent, whimsy of the show remains the same.

and it thrills me that there are still children who watch and learn from sesame street. did you know they have done studies and children who watch sesame street have higher grades through middle and high school, and are more likely to read for enjoyment. really. serious. no joke. that is incredible.

40 years. whatever they are doing. it must be working.

and i hope that it is around for 40 more years. i hope that my children can watch super grover in amazement, and giggle at bert and ernie and their silly disagreements, like i once did. i hope they can watch and learn how to help their friends, like i once did. i hope that when i am busy, i can turn on sesame street and know that they are being taught, and learning, as well as being entertained. i hope that my kids can watch, and learn, and grow from the silly characters on 123 sesame street just like i once did.

and i hope that the show never loses it's simple, innocent, whimsy. because that is a very welcome breathe of fresh air.

Every New Day...

When I was young, the smallest trick of light,
Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day,
I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for.
And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar,
I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears,
Watered Heaven with their tears,
Before words were spoken,
Before eternity.


Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher.
Every new day again.

When I was small, the furthest I could reach,
Was not so high,
Then I thought the world was so much smaller,
Feeling that I could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies,
Behind infinity,
Below the face of Heaven,
He stoops to create me.

Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.

Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep piling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God...
Increase

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
Without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new.

Every New Day
Five Iron Frenzy

thank you...

thank you for your prayers and support.

donna is doing great, better than great. go see her side of the surgery here.

she is so blessed, we are so blessed.


every day is a new day.

the peace...

the kind of peace that passes all understanding.

the kind of peace that can come only from above.


i am feeling peace underneath. underneath the prickly points of fear, doubt, and uncertainty. underneath the sting of pain and pins and needles that are threatening to drive me utterly insane... there is peace. the kind of peace that can come only from Him.

and i can sit here and wonder all day. wonder why i am stuck here, and not up north where i could be of more use. i can wonder why the faithful struggle. i can wonder what it would be like, this way, or that way. i can worry about all the possible outcomes, and let my mind wander wildly.

or... or.

i can feel the peace that passes ALL understanding. the kind of peace that can come only from Him.

i can believe that in a world that doesn't make sense, one thing does.

i can believe in a God of miracles.

i can believe in a God who not only hears my prayers, but cares about what i am praying.

i can believe in a God who desires to give me my hearts desires.

i can believe in a God who saves my tears, a God who treasures my emotions.

i can believe in a God who knows better than me.

i can believe in a God who sees all, knows all, created all.

i can believe that i am taken care of. that my family is taken care of.

i can believe in a God who loves me.


so i am trying to chose the later, i am trying to bring that peace, that peace that is hiding underneath, to the surface. bring it up over the prickly fears and doubts, over the pins and needles and uncertainty.

and i am trying to remember that i am not in control. and if i was in control, Lord help us all, because pretty much i am a screw up, and i would screw things up irreversibly.

so, if you think of it today. pray for my mother in law. she is in surgery today, and we are praying. and we are wishing we were there, and we are praying some more.

we love you donna... you are in the hands of the Great Healer, and that is a perfect place to be.

age, pimples, and a 5x3...

yesterday, as you know, was my birthday... and i was feeling rather old. like a real adult.

a real adult who is closer to 30 than she is 20, with a house payment, and a million chores, and big girl job. a real adult who is starting to recognize creases and wrinkles in her skin, and whose skin doesn't retain moisture nearly as well as it used to. a grown adult, who can no longer just throw her hair back, slap on some sweats, and look cute and fashionably sloppy. a grown adult who now, does not only have to eat well to lose weight, but has to eat well to not gain weight.

a grown adult who has a weekend babysitting job, and whom God occasionally lavishes a huge painful, under the surface pimple, just to remind her, she isn't nearly as old as she thinks she is. and i think God laughs... i think He finds it painfully funny to watch me writhe in pain, and squirm at the unsightly red bump the size of my index finger under the surface of my skin right in my nose crease.

but it worked, i realize i am much more of an adolescent than my 26 years may show i am. i whine when i don't get my way (heck, i whine when i do get my way). i think i deserve to be treated like a princess on my birthday (and most other days). i make extra money babysitting, cleaning, doing odd jobs. i love pink, i love barbies, i love toys every kind. i make big deals about nothing, and i often get my feelings hurt by nothing in particular. and i get under the surface pimples that threaten to ruin my life...

so really... really, i am not that old at all. really i am just an oversized, overpaid, 13 year old girl confused about life, and love, and faith. and that makes 26 not seem nearly so old... heck by the time i'm 50 maybe i will have grown into a nice responsible real adult. i said maybe.


and just because i am curious... let's play a game. answer these 5 questions, with 3 answers. a 5x3, if you will... (i'll answer in the comments)

1. what are 3 of your favorite words?
2. what are 3 of your least favorite words?
3. what are 3 words you commonly misspell?
4. what are 3 words (or phrases) you do not really know the meaning of?
5. what are 3 words (or phrases) you use most often?

a little secret...

here's a little secret... i have something in common with Emeril Lagasse, Sarah Ferguson, Tito Jackson, Penny Marshall, and P. G. Woodhouse. i know, it's hard to imagine, right?

but we all share one very important thing in common... the date of our birth. and. that. day. is. today. October 15th.


i love birthdays. my birthday, other peoples birthdays, famous peoples birthdays. birthday presents, birthday decorations, birthday parties. birthday ice cream, birthday margaritas, birthday wine. birthday tiaras, birthday hugs, birthday balloons. birthday dinner, birthday



my 8th birthday i can remember especially well. we had just made the move from battle creek, michigan to broomfield, colorado. my mom, dad, baby brother jesse, and myself were living with my grandma and grandpa and my cousins kevin and april. i loved living with my cousins, i always had someone to play with, and it wasn't just my dumb baby brother... but that is a whole other day...

i woke up that day with en extra skip in my step. because i was turning 8 years old. this wasn't kid stuff. i was 8. in 2nd grade. i was practically an adult. i walked up the stairs into my grandma's living room, where my mom had a bagel waiting for me. she had them laid perfectly on the plate so that made an 8, and completed it with glowing birthday candles.

i only wanted one thing that year... a magic nursery baby. (link coming later, i can't link from work, it blocks me)

and i had one present waiting for me on the table. and imagine my excitement when i opened it to find a magic nursery baby!

mom made treats for me to take into school that day. chocolate cupcakes, with blue frosting and sprinkles. i was the talk of the second grade. i liked being the talk of the second grade. i got to wear the birthday hat, and i got to be the special helper in every activity that day is class. princess perfection.

and when i ran out of school to find my mom so we could walk home, i found her waiting for me with my new magic nursery baby. i cuddled that baby, and held my mom's hand all the way home. i remember thinking it was the best birthday ever.

my dad and brother are void from that memory... i wonder why. hmm... it doesn't mean i don't love them. just means i didn't need them that day, to make my birthday perfection.



and on this day... it may be pretty close to a perfect birthday once again. i got the gift of a lifetime... my very own home.

and while we still don't have internet, living room furniture, or the basement walls drywalled, it is mine.

i have a husband who loves me, and will do whatever he can to give me, not only what i need, but also what i want. i have a husband who loves me despite the size of my ass.

i may now be closer to 30 than i am to 20, and my thighs may be rubbing together when i walk. but i am loved and desired. i may not have money to make myself a fancy dinner, or get diamonds as a gift, but i have a home, that in only 360 months will belong to me. i have a family who loves me, and has helped me work on my house for the last 2 weeks. i have a job, and friends, and a pink kitchen aid mixer... and i couldn't possibly ask for any more blessings in my life.

and i think year 26 will be pretty darn good... starting today!